I wish I’d known the qualities I wanted in a life partner before I got married.

I didn’t really have a “type” per se. Since everyone around me was getting married, I was getting anxious and a bit desperate to find my Richard Gere (see below for “My Relationship Bloopers” for the deets on that story).  I was really just looking for a warm body. Just kidding, I did have some standards. He needed to be "available", physically attractive, and have good earning potential.

Single men, with marriage potential, were scarce so I knew I would have to make some sacrifices. I was willing to sacrifice a few of the necessary components that one would hope for in a long-term relationship like romance, compassion, and compatibility in exchange for a trip down the alter. Besides, I went into it thinking “I can change him into my ‘dream man’ after the wedding”.

I was nearing the “old maid” stage (26 years old) of my life and extremely desperate. I asked my mom why she thought men never asked me out on dates. My mom said, “you’re unapproachable”. I think she meant I was intimidating or maybe this was code for “you’re ugly”? I’m not sure but I never could figure it out.

So with the mounting pressure of spending my life as a "spinster" I became more aggressive. Yes, I approached him…at a bar, and after copious amounts of liquid confidence.

We ended up getting married after I over-looked many red flags throughout our courtship and engagement.

During my mostly unhappy marriage and when it became apparent we were not compatible for a long-term gig, I started making a list in my head of things I wanted in a life partner. 

I finished the list after my divorce, after I read "The Secret" and "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man". I  did a ton of soul-searching and decided it was my time to find happiness. I wasn't going to settle for anything less than what I wanted in a life partner.

I actually took pen to paper and wrote it down. Here is the list:

The Man I Want and Deserve

1. Affectionate – any time any place

2. Attentive - wants to spends time together and considers me a top priority

3. Adventurous – willing to try new things to keep our relationship exciting

4. Compassionate – he feels deeply for me

5. Committed – to me, our relationship, our future

6. Communicative – he has to be a competent and willing communicator

7. Compatible – he enjoys the same things I enjoy

8. Confident – he is self-assured and doesn’t need to be constantly praised

9. Connected – he is aware of my needs mentally and physically and continues to discover what makes me happy

10. Devoted – to me and our love for each other

11. Financially responsible – we share the same attitudes about money

12. Gentleman – chivalrous, courteous, and honorable

13. Health Conscious – he enjoys a healthy lifestyle of exercising and eating right

14. Loyalty – he is on my team

15. Motivated - content with his life but also has goals to achieve

16. Playful – great sense of humor and not afraid to be silly

17. Protective – wants to know that I’m okay wherever I am and when we are together he bravely looks out for me

I wish I had known what I wanted in a partner before I got married. I hope that my experience can serve as an example of how important it is to know what you want in life and in a partner before you even start dating. It's also important to know yourself and what you are willing to give in a relationship. 

I’m happy to report that I have finally found a man that has all of the qualities I want in a life partner. Apparently I have all the qualities he wants in a partner because we are currently engaged. I'm not going into this relationship "blindly" this time, and even though he and I love each other, we both realize marriage is work. We are both very willing to do the work that it takes to make our marriage healthy, happy, and full of love every day.

Are you single, engaged, married, or divorced? What is your outlook for your future? Please comment below and subscribe to my monthly newsletter. Thanks!

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More good reads about relationships:

My Relationship Bloopers

Fake It Til You Make It!