Should I Change My Name After Divorce?
Why do women take their husband’s last name? Are you familiar with the word Coverture?
It means:
noun
1.
LITERARY
protective or concealing covering.
2.
HISTORICAL•LAW
the legal status of a married woman, considered to be under her husband's protection and authority.
I never really wanted to change my name when I got married the first time around but I did. From that point forward I didn’t feel like myself. I felt like I was “his”, meaning my then husband.
Cleaning out the basement the other day I came across my old wedding album and a bunch of feelings came with it. I kept it around until my daughter got older in case she wanted to keep some of the pictures.
She doesn't btw so it's en route to a landfill.
When I got married (the first time) in 1998 I was a very different person than I am today. I was struggling with a non gut-related disease known as the "disease to please".
I won't bore you with how I contracted this disease, but according to my therapist, it stems from my childhood. I thought my life's purpose was to sacrifice my own wants and needs in order to serve others and their needs, meet expectations, be perfect, yada yada yada. My disease to please also led to my lack of boundaries i.e. ‘doormat tendencies’
Many years of therapy and quite a few Oprah shows later, turns out living life this way is very detrimental to one's mental health
In 1998, when I got married, I took his last name. Why wouldn't I right? The few women I knew who had hyphenated names or who DIDN'T take their husband's name were career women who were viewed as “too independent”, and seemingly unaccepted by society. That would never be me For me, it was about obedience, acceptance, and an insatiable need to be thought of as “NICE”.
It’s difficult to admit but back then, I was a shell of a person. Somehow I thought getting married, changing my name, changing my life to fit in to his family, his friends, his town, would make me feel whole.
With this disease came a flurry of contradictions. I both despised and admired people who were unapologetically themselves. It boggled my mind when someone had the balls to be authentic (Oprahism circa 2000). I was sincerely appalled by these people and yes secretly in awe.
What gives them the right to be true to themselves while I'm over here killing myself to be proper, be selfless, be liked? WTH?!
I felt empty. The reality was, parts of me were slowly dying. However, after the divorce, things began to change!
Still with me? I'm getting to the point…promise!
I kept the ex's name after the divorce until my daughter graduated high school, for a few reasons. So she didn't feel abandoned again. The transition was hard enough for her after the divorce I didn't want to compound that. Who knows if it even would have affected her, but I couldn't take that chance. I also kept the last name because the thought of having to change it gave me hella panic attacks!
Him, his last name, his town, his family, his friends, the marriage, the house, never made me feel whole btw and as much as I tried…I never did "fit it". Very lonely and confusing years.
The book, “The Disease to Please” by Harriet Braiker, PhD put everything into perspective for me. Lots of crying later, I learned wholeness and happiness must come from within. No amount of sacrificing one’s needs to meet the needs of others, will ever make you feel whole and happy.
And so began my quest to find true inner happiness. I had never actually developed a sense of self in my younger years so this was going to be a long road.
Once I started looking inward, my true, authentic self began to blossom.
Fast forward to today and I am married to the most wonderful person I've ever been blessed enough to know. I don't want to take his last name. He's supportive, caring, and selfless enough to understand my reasons and accepts me the way I am. Our bond expands beyond a name and it has nothing to do with obligation or societal norms or me filling a vacancy.
I recently changed my name back to the one I was given at birth and with that change, a sort of rebirth happened.
Yes, it was weird saying it again. "Jackie Badiali", my husband Todd messes it up all the time.
It's been a few months and each time I say it, I feel more connected to it.
I'm making amends with it.
I'm making amends with the person I was back then so I can forgive and move forward. Kinda like AA, “Hi my name is Jackie and I’m a People-Pleaser”.
I don’t judge anyone for changing their name and I don’t regret changing it the first time. I firmly believe I had to go through everything I've been through, to get to where I am today.
What have you decided to do about your name after divorce? It really is a very personal decision. Do what you feel is best for you and your situation.
